This is where one woman explores. She's embarking upon a journey of rediscovery (bear with me..). Learning to re-nourish the mind and body and find inner, ahem, peace...

"It's never too late to become what you might have been." George Eliot

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Beginnings and Endings


I'll get right to it.  Several rather big ideas have collided in my brain where they have not been able to chill out in any shape, form, or way.  In my brain, they smash into each other and clamber on top of each other, no doubt vying for a position at the top of my, er, consciousness.  They are terribly competitive, these ideas, and are beginning to result in a dull ache, an ache that cannot quite be convinced to simmer down.  Quite annoyingly these pesky thoughts have resulted in my inability to focus on much more important things, things I ought to be focusing on in the/my real world (like my children..and my job!) Ahem. That is the reason I've started this blog - to release these poor pathetic notions and allow them equal space on this here page.  

I am writing now to release these poor, pathetic thoughts and transform them into highly intelligent (HA!) lexical units in the hope that this satisfies and legitimizes their existence so that they may, indeed, vacate the, er, premises.  I am quite quite certain, however, that much (much what, I'm not entirely sure) will be lost in translation as so often happens when we try to articulate our thoughts.  

A prelude, then. At my best, I do not take myself very seriously.  At my worst, I am utterly self-conscious and prone to depression (I know, I know, keep it light) and moodiness.  I usually reside somewhere in the middle, but I'm happy to say I am taking myself less and less seriously.  I no longer seek happiness as a matter of course and am comfortable in my very slight resentment of incessantly cheerful people.  My brain and writing, quite rightfully for the time, used to be steeped in self-reflection and constant brooding over the (my) human condition.  Okay, it still is - I after all am an "I' and therefore must brood/meditate, but I smile more often at the absurdity of it all.  

This blog is an experiment.  I am turning 40 in January.  Okay, there is one of the thoughts falling from my head and transforming itself onto the screen.  I have no idea what cliches exist around turning 40, but I'm sure I embody several of them.  I don't really believe in goals because I reside more in the present than in the future; however, I think my thoughts are telling me that I should work towards setting a goal of some sort and that the looming significant birthday provides a red dot on the timeline.  

I heard an interview on tv a while ago about will power and our relationship with our "future selves" and how our perception of our future self is actually quite funny - quite different often, from who we are now.  I want to watch the interview again and will post a link here.  

My life is always interrupted and I try now to smile rather than lose patience.  Right now my girls are demanding me, the dog is up to no good and so my time is running out.  Let me quickly run through some of the other thoughts in my mind....

My weight - the biggest cliche of all - an overweight woman nearing the age of 40 begins to panic and start a new way of eating - worse than that, she decides to start a blog or journal to document her progress and eventual failure.  Oh, come on.  Pessimism has nothing to do with it.   My life story includes struggling with my weight - on all possible fronts, for every conceivable emotional reason - to addiction, to self-hatred...and on.  and on.  Yawn, right?  I know.  

I know a decent amount about nutrition but lately I've been interested in the connection between mood and food and I've been experimenting with health foods.  This new interest has provided a great distraction from my negative associations with food.  

I need to pause for a moment.  My 13 yr. old daughter is here with me and she is chatting to me about a project she is doing for school.  She is cutting and eating spicy crackers and I have snapped at her to leave me alone...My 8 yr. old daughter is calling me from the other room.  She is on the iPad and the question is 'did I delete YouTube?'.   

I'm going to digress now and try to come back to one of the reasons I started this blog.  To post pictures of my breakfast.  You see, I am acknowledging the thought that is telling me I ought to have a goal.  I am changing.  It's in progress.  

My husband read the book Wheatbelly  and we have given up wheat (much more on that later).  Basically, I've been re-introduced to food I love and it's exciting.  My husband is away today to a football game.  The girls grabbed their own breakfasts (more to come on this as well) and I made breakfast for one.  Here it is:  

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Here we have our beautiful Free Range Organic Jumbo eggs and Coconut Oil 
3 Eggs, Kale, Sundried Tomatoes, Black Olives with red pepper flakes and coco oil 

Well, I must go attend to real life.  I know I should have more of a clear mission statement here, but alas, I do not.  Welcome, welcome.  

Interesting Interview about Willpower

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